Anything with Barbies TM is High Art. These dolls are so iconic. Humans are highly overrated as story-telling mediums. I want to use Barbies in a stage piece I’m writing called “Julie Lewis in the Circle”. I meant, “I want to abuse Barbies in the stage piece I’m writing.” Ruin them. Utterly. The things one can do with a Barbie that one couldn’t do with a human on stage. Rip their heads off, beat them with a hammer, rape them with a pencil. Grind their faces off with a Dremel. Melt them with an oxy-acetylene torch. Using Barbies allows me to go way over the top in my story of child abuse and its repercussions into adulthood; and yet allows me to keep the audience in their seats, watching, instead of running out into the lobby to dial 911.
Archive for the ‘Kinda Nutz’ Category
One Woman Performance Art
Sunday, August 15th, 2010Auditions
Sunday, July 18th, 2010
oh fuck them all just fuck them all it is too insane and too bizarre the power they have over people’s dreams so just fuck them all and double fuck them in the ear by an elephant
People I Hate
Monday, May 31st, 2010- People who crackle their candy wrappers in the movies
- People in walkers with oxygen tanks, puffing a cigarette
- People who talk at the movies
- Fat people riding carts in grocery store, with a pack of smokes in their pocket
- People who laugh at sit-coms
- People shopping at Nordstrom, stepping over homeless people as if they were not there
- Most of the brainless teens who write reviews on IMDB
- People at the fairgrounds in phony cowboy outfits
- Anyone on on a TV show who can’t act
- People with crop tops and blubber bellies
- A certain TV star who said acting is a “good day job” but who really wants to “be a mom”
- People standing in a check-out line talking on a cell phone loudly
- Independent filmmakers who think films can only be about young, skinny people
- People smoking in a car with kids in the back and windows rolled up
- Hollywood development executives who think films can only be about young, skinny people
- People smoking in the car with dogs in the back and windows rolled up
- Directors who say, “Just do it different.”
- People who don’t cross-tie dogs down in their pickups; but let them rattle around
- Makeup who tries to force actresses to use colors that make us feel like we look like crap
- People who carry dead elk in their truck
- People who complain too much
- Parents jogging, pushing baby carriers, with a cig in their mouth
- People who criticize other people for their addictions, but who have not been able to resolve their own issues
- Dick Cheney
- Joe Lieberman
- Liz Cheney
- Dubbya
- Senior
Shooting People
Friday, March 12th, 2010
I get a newsletter called “Shooting People” from a cinematographer’s group in the UK. Hubby saw the newsletter’s title.
“What kind of maniacs do you hang out with? ! Is this some kind of murder-for-hire? You’re scaring me.”
Her Commune Fired Her
Tuesday, February 16th, 2010
Went to a party last week. A Sweet-Young-Chickie sat next to me and told me that she broke up with her Not-Working-Boyfriend and moved out of her group housing situation. Not-Working-Boyfriend is still living in the group housing with all the roommates and Sweet-Young-Chickie is still financially supporting him, though they have split up. She’s been supporting him for 8 years.
Not-Working-Boyfriend is “dating” (Sweet-Young-Chickie’s word for “screwing”) Chubby-Masseuse, one of the other roomies. Chubby-Masseuse lives in the group house with her own boyfriend, Depressed-Go-Master, who synchronously is desperately seeking other women.
Though this commune claims to be all about polyamory, Sweet-Young-Chickie was never supposed to mention within the confines of the group house that her Not-Working-Boyfriend was “dating” Chubby-Masseuse, because (follow me here) the Depressed-Go-Master (group-house-mate and boyfriend of Chubby-Masseuse) would be upset.
Anyway, the polyamory seems to be not amory at all, but strictly polysexuality, because the “love” part stops the minute you break one of the rules. Like, for example, move out.
Sweet-Young-Chickie: “I’m moving out of the commune.”
Depressed-Go-Master: “No, I’m kicking you out. And don’t dare talk to any of us again. You can slip your final rent check under the door.”
Dreams
Thursday, February 4th, 2010George Lucas, following him around.
My friend Venky had convinced him to spend a day with me.
But he wasn’t taking me seriously as an actor.
He kept bringing in actors who were “working the ropes” by going through agents.
I wondered what I was doing wrong because I had made a direct connection, right to the top.
Comedy Is Sad, Part Two
Thursday, September 17th, 2009When I go to a gathering, and there is an offensive party, I like to jump right in and try to be more annoying than the offensive person or more offensive than the obnoxious person. At the very minimum, I like to push at least one person into the punch or the dog’s water dish at each party which I attend.
I wonder if that’s why I keep getting fired.
Seriously?
-
Do you serve celery stuffed with peanut butter at your parties?
-
Are we allowed to do karaoke at your parties?
-
How about wearing bald wigs?
Sorry for the one-track mind…but is there a way we can make this into a film?
-
Man is captured by comics and given an hour to make them laugh or they will egg his house.
-
Man sees a crime and the police give him an hour to tell the story of the crime in an entertaining way or they will give the mafia his home address.
-
Man is dying of lung cancer and is trying to pass on his comic heritage to his students.
-
Dog is telling horse-walked-into-a-bar jokes and his master is sick of it: you have an hour to get a better routine or I’ll trade you in for a cat.
How can we treat comedy with any respect when it’s so funny?
Comedy Is Sad
Sunday, September 13th, 2009
I’m a famous movie star. I’m only here because I just dropped in. I’m a rich executive. I’ve got boats, diamonds. I’m a neurosurgeon. I’m a poet laureate.
James Thurber, “Is Sex Necessary?” 1929, answers all meaningful questions about the topic.
I used to worry what the seedy clerk at the seedy store where I used to go late at night to buy only a single cucumber, a single carrot and a single zucchini would think so I used to buy a few fake things like lettuce and cardamom.
Yes, I tried to make Jim take me dancing once I said to him let’s go dancing and he said I quote we ALWAYS go dancing we just went to Keith’s wedding and danced then I said to Jim Keith got married 10 years ago.
Bring back the dead cat!! I’m mad for dead cats. I have three dead cats in Tupperware in self-storage. I have a dead dog in a nice wooden box inside a footstool. I have Chirpy’s bones wrapped in velvet…somewhere.
I can never show my face again in this crowd. Please, everyone, don’t hate me. Oh, wait, DO hate me; then I can write a film about how all the plastic people hate me. Or at least a stand-up routine.
Letters from My Readers
Wednesday, August 12th, 2009Dear Michelle,
You are kidding, right?
Your reader
Dear Reader,
No.
Michelle
Dear Michelle,
You really think your writing partner
should quit going to auditions
so she can work on your screenplay?
Your Reader
Dear Reader,
Yes.
Michelle
Dear Michelle,
You really think your writing partner
should give up time with her family
to work on the script?
Your Reader
Dear Reader,
If you mean those bratty,
spoiled
pre-teenage
pains-in-the-butt
who could definitely stay on their own after school,
yes I do.
Sincerely,
Michelle
Dear Michelle,
Do you really think improv is stupid?
Your offended Reader
Dear Offal, Rear-End, There Are So Many Jokes I Could Make About Your Signature, Reader,
Most improv is verbal masturbation,
not acting.
If my writing partner were actually interested in art;
that is, ART,
I mean A*R*T*,
and not in having her face in a hot light,
she should be writing.
Michelle
Dear Michelle,
You DO realize why you have no friends, right?
Your Reader
Dear Fan,
Yes. Sadly.
Michelle
Michelle Shyman
Michelle is..
an actor, performance artist, screenwriter, indie filmmaker…
SHE wants YOU to cast HER in lead roles where sexy middle-aged women have hot affairs with younger men.
Senryu 38: Many times I’ve said// “I love your work.” I was false.// I loved his body. //
…then I put stuff about awards & nominations…
I was nominated for Best Supporting Actress by Women in Film/Seattle for my work in Apart From That. My screenplay Service Dogs has won 2nd and 3rd place slots in several screenplay competitions.
…then I write something funny…
Senryu 92: I wrote a screenplay.// My brilliant, unique story:// Tits and car crashes. //
Michelle can currently be seen performing in … well, is currently writing … a multi-media live / filmed performance with elements of insanity.
…then I talk about some of my projects, past & present…
- --Judge for NW High School Film Fest
- –99th percentile reTweeted poet on Twitter (on-and-off)
- –Creator of Coaching Actors On Set: A Class for Directors
- –Teacher of Coaching Actors at the inaugural Ellensburg Film Festival
- –Executive Director of the Women in Film/Seattle “Nells” Awards (2006)
- –Film Festival Director for Lake 2 Sound Student Film Fest (2005=2006)
- –former Correspondent for Cinema Minima
In my work, my goal is to present fictional narrative entertainment that inspires people to change the world.
The lovely talented insightful passionate sensitive responsive intuitive Michelle is also available to coach actors on-set (I work for the director.)
…she doesn’t like to admit…
Senryu 12: Why be sensible? // Life is tough and painful. // Just become a clown. //…you know…
Senryu 255: Only second place // In the comedy finals // But won the Angst Fest //…um…
that she also does corporate work.
If she’s broke.
Senryu 111: Once. Until. And then // Danger. Lose. Reverse. Then win; // Resolve. Three-act-ku.//-
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