I’m sure many of my readers also subscribe to a producers’ chat list.  Last week, a strange topic was discussed through a dozen posts, back and forth, over three days, on one of the producer lists which I read.  The topic: knife sharpening.

They talked about recommendations for knife sharpeners, instructions for how to do it yourself and where to learn; gizmos to buy to do it at home (complete with loving descriptions on how the gizmo looks in the kitchen), and discussions about how absolutelyNecessary it is to have sharp knives for the gourmet kitchen.

This made me laugh my ass off.

Usually people get chastised for discussing non-producerish topics on the list.  However, for some reason this topic struck a chord on the producers’ list and no one complained.  Their creativity must go into films plus cooking.

But, that’s not why it made me laugh my ass off.  What I was secretly thinking the whole time was, “These people must not be screenwriters.”

Why?

Because.

Screenwriters use knives for an entirely different purpose.

Here’s an exchange I can imagine happening on the screenwriters’ chat list.

Alan: “Anyone know where I can get my knives sharpened, preferably in the zone?”

Barbara: “How many victims can you stab with an ordinary kitchen knife before it becomes dull?  Is the answer different for a zombie movie and for a realistic crime movie?”

Carla: “What is the best knife to kill your elderly uncle to make it look like an accident?”

Don: “Should you use a different knife for a revenge killing than for a sex-murder?”

Elise: “What type of small knife should I use for inserts in a story about a cutter, but it’s not about cutting; it’s about unemployment?”

Frank: “I want a gloomy kind of dullness, not a shiny blade as he stabs the victim over and over and over and over and over and over and once again.”

Gisela: “Knife throwers.  Knife jugglers.  A contest to build houses of cards, but with knives instead.  A chair made entirely of knives.  Knife stuck in eyeball.  Knife slicing open a long, long vein.  Using a knife for a mirror.  A car that shoots knives at other cars’ tires during traffic jams.

Haw: “Do back-woods folks realistically pick their teeth with a knife, or is that a stereotype?”

Michelle (that’s me): “Knives. Killing.  Let’s see.  How many people can I get away with killing?  Hmm.  Start with mother.  Then father.  Then boss.  Then next boss in next job.  Then the credit card person who messed up my statement.  Then the bank president.  Then my neighbor who lets his dog cry for hours. “

Oh, never mind that last bit.  It means nothing.  NOTHING, do you hear me?